Tired of being tired.

I've been depressed the last few days. It comes in waves, sometimes lasting for hours then fading away. One of my childhood fears have crept back into my consciousness and has invaded all my waking thoughts, making my life difficult.

When I was, say, ten years old, my family at the time were not exactly rich or even middle class. We didn't own most of the household appliances some people take for granted, like a VCR (this was the eighties), microwave - that sort of thing. So, when it came time to pick a summer camp for me, my parents chose a Christian camp. Either it was cheap, or free, I don't know. I don't really remember wanting to go to summer camp in the first place.

Anyway, this camp made the kids go to a church service on Sunday. I wasn't impressed. I daydreamed my way through most of the service (I was, and am, a diehard dreamer) until the end, when some of the older kids reenacted the Rapture. Yes, that's right, they put on a little play about the end of the world.

I knew I wasn't a Christian. My parents didn't go to any church and we never talked about religion at home. I didn't know I wasn't baptized until a few years ago. So, yeah, religion never played a major role in my life. But when I heard about the end of the world, and the fact that non-Christians burned in hell (the kids in the play emphasized that point) when the time finally comes, I became terrified. That night, in my bunk bed, I cried thinking that my family and I will suffer. One of the camp counsellors heard me and took me aside. When I told him I was scared of hell because I wasn't a Christian, he had me recite a prayer to induct me into the fold. I was relived after that, knowing that I was safe from eternal punishment.

Shoot ahead twenty-odd years and now I'm in Slovenia. I don't know where these thoughts are coming from, but they have bubbled to the surface. I've been obsessing over "Doomsday events," or scenarios where our species, and possibly our planet, will be wiped out of existence. I'm not so worried about human-made disasters, but rather ones of the natural variety. Rogue asteroids and gamma ray bursts don't present that large of a threat, considering that contemporary science does view them as real and potential dangers, but not imminent. Black holes are a possibility, but whether or not they are mobile is still debatable and I don't think it's probable one would open up in our solar system anytime soon. There are other events as well, but I don't want to describe them here. I need a break.

I see everyone I know disintegrate in a flash of light, their flesh blasted off their frames. They don't even have time to scream. This is what is racing in my head as I lay in bed, trying to sleep.

I'm only writing an abridged version here. I'm worried that these thoughts will persist and eventually take over my life. I'm worried that I will spend the rest of days huddled in a bunker, watching the skies. At the same time, I find myself counting every moment as my last one. I'll be enjoying my day, then suddenly I find myself looking up at the sky, dreading the coming cataclysm.

Why am I writing this? I don't know. This a diary, of sorts, and these are the thoughts that are overwhelming me. Maybe this is preliminary therapy, approaching my conscious self as an objectified moment and seeing it as truthfully as possible. I know I'm still facing my own mortality. Since my father died, I've been wrestling with this. Our parents act as "safety nets," shielding us from the grim reality that is mortality. When one (or both) of these people are gone, we must face death straight on. We must stand on our own feet. Being in a foreign country, I feel vulnerable. I'm not afraid of dying, but I want to die after living a full life, not because of some cosmic event.

I hate this.