I just wrote my linguistics exam, and let me tell you: that was one of the most disastrous exams I ever wrote. I did well on about sixty percent of it, the rest were either left incomplete or incorrect.
What the hell am I going to do?
There is still a group project due at the end of the semester. I know we'll do well. No, we have to do well.
On the bright side, I seem to be doing great in my other courses. I missed my classes on Monday, somehow fell into an erratic sleeping/eating routine, and I'm behind on a couple of readings. I'm getting good grades in these other classes, despite my rotten habits.
I said it over the weekend. Now I'm saying it here.
I'm burned out on school.
The daily grind of going to classes, the constant critizing, the bureaucracy, the lack of money, reading texts after texts after texts and not having time to read what I want; I've about had it. I'm sick of writing papers on topics I don't care about. I'm tired of being in classes where almost everyone is at least a decade younger than me. I feel like a fraud. I don't belong here at all.
Most of all, I'm starting to suffocate in the closet. I feel as though I need to conceal my history and my politics, like if I "came out" no one would take me seriously. It's like I'm minority. People see me and they think, "another white male." It's funny how ethnicity and gender not only act as signifers, but also as a facade that conceals indentity. Identity is rooted in the historical relations that underline social relations in day-to-day life.
Thanks, Dorothy Smith. I feel better.
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A Diary
About Me
- Jay
- I'm an undergrad working on a double major in sociology and English literature. I write short fiction, poetry and the occasional freelance article.
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4 comments:
well, at least you have a number of people around you who can understand what you are going through. and with that disclaimer, here's some unsolicited advice from me.
it's hard, but i found that i had to separate what i loved (learning, thinking, dialogue, etc.) from the institution. otherwise i attached too much importance to UBC. jason was a big help with this since he's never gone to uni and i think he's the smartest person i know. and you're lucky to have a history of debate and thinking and reading that will always remind you that the institution is only that an institution .
so love what you can, and tell the rest to fuck off. take care to not burn out too hard or it might take you 7 agonizing years to finish your degree like so people in this room. ummm... yeah.
and 2 more things that i hope will help:
1. folks love finding an ally in a class - no matter if he's "another white male". if you are sincere and honest you will be appreciated. and jesus, it's not like you are some frat jock in shiny clothes :P
2. everyone there is in some kind of closet. and how/when you come out is always up to you. and while i was the priviliged white girl in my wmst courses, i was also the only one who spoke openly about being raped. (and another wierd thing is how your identity takes new meanings in different courses - very different me in wmst than in international relations).
okay, now i really have to go buy veggies before the store closes - so i don't really have time to edit this or make sure it makes sense, but i hope it makes a little. just stay confidant and remember how fucking brilliant you are!
Sweetie, you're the best.
It's hard to take stock of what's around you when you're up to your neck in crap.
I wrote that in the second person. Heh.
Here's the kicker. I wrote that post inbetween classes. I had a seminar for sociology and I told my classmate how pumped I was after the lecture/discussion. Then Lisa and I went out for a pint.
Can't wait for X-mas, though.
Hi, I'm Julia's little sister and last night I went on a rant very similiar to yours on the phone to her and she told me similar wonderful advice and then told me about you and your blog. Hope you don't mind me commmenting. I just got a very poor mark one of my classes, which should have been expected detailing it was the last exam of four in five days, stupid school. I also have all these wonderful books on my bookshelf gathering dust, a blank canvas with some watercolours beside it, and am currently writing a paper for a class, that while I'm in that class, I imagine horns growing out of the professors skull, a forked tongue, her tail sneaking around the edge of the desk, flames licking up on the walls and pooling around us... so I really don't want to right this paper. Wait... getting off topic, right, I also wanted that, well, at UNBC we have a lot of older people and frankly, I think they are a lot better off that the younger ones because they actually have experience and wisdom and the young ones I sometimes write off as binge drinking idiots. But I'm kinda opinionated and bitchy, wonder where I get that from? Hm. Anyhoo, just wanted to say hello and how it's comforting that someone else hates school for all the same reasons I do. Thanks.
I don't mind your comments, they are totally welcome here!
Thanks for reminding me that getting older doesn't mean getting slower.
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